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Shawn & Chad's House of Dad Jokes
- Thread starter ShawnF
- Start date
An angel was sent on assignment to New York City. After his duties were complete, he thought he would pop into a night club he frequented as a mortal before returning to heaven. It turned into a wild night of debauchery.
Upon his return to the pearly gates St. Peter asked, “Where is your harp?”
He replied, “I left my harp in Sam Frank’s Disco.”
Upon his return to the pearly gates St. Peter asked, “Where is your harp?”
He replied, “I left my harp in Sam Frank’s Disco.”
I was playing chess with a friend, and he said, "Let's make this more interesting." So, we stopped playing chess.
@woodpusher
@woodpusher
I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.
To whoever stole my cope of Microsoft office. I will find you; you have my Word!
What's blue and not very heavy? Light Blue.
I asked my girlfriend if I was the only one she'd ever slept with. She said yes- the others were all 7's and 8's.
In a recent job interview, they asked me if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I do a pretty good job with Bohemian Rhapsody.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anybody that I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.
My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.
A century ago, two brother decided it was possible to man to fly. As you can see, they were Wright.
I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen.... I can feel it.
To whoever stole my cope of Microsoft office. I will find you; you have my Word!
What's blue and not very heavy? Light Blue.
I asked my girlfriend if I was the only one she'd ever slept with. She said yes- the others were all 7's and 8's.
In a recent job interview, they asked me if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I do a pretty good job with Bohemian Rhapsody.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anybody that I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.
My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.
A century ago, two brother decided it was possible to man to fly. As you can see, they were Wright.
I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen.... I can feel it.
Straight razors will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology.
I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but halfway through I had to turn it off. Too much sax and violins.
My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I didn't even care.
I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard...
My girlfriend told me she didn't understand cloning. I said, "That makes two of us!"
My friend told me I needed to stop doing my terrible Arnold Schwarzenegger impression. But don't worry, I'll return.
My girlfriend told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I'll take that as a compliment.
My daughter yelled at me the other day and said, "Daaaad.... you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?" I thought that was a very odd way to start a conversation.
I'd like to have kids one day. I don't think I could stand them any longer than that, though.
I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but halfway through I had to turn it off. Too much sax and violins.
My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I didn't even care.
I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard...
My girlfriend told me she didn't understand cloning. I said, "That makes two of us!"
My friend told me I needed to stop doing my terrible Arnold Schwarzenegger impression. But don't worry, I'll return.
My girlfriend told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I'll take that as a compliment.
My daughter yelled at me the other day and said, "Daaaad.... you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?" I thought that was a very odd way to start a conversation.
I'd like to have kids one day. I don't think I could stand them any longer than that, though.
That one cracked Amber up!
RIP, boiling water. You will be mist.
