Background for case #2, my dad:
Like all aging parents (or aging selves) there comes a time when more and more health concerns arise. In my dad's case he was largely independant after my mom died but the last few years he had one or more health issues that required specific or specialized care. Last year (about the same time as my son's accident) his overall health began a slow but steady decline. An area he was most afraid of but also least vocal about was his mental acuity. Looking back, I can see there were signs of cognative decline over the years but early last year his ability to handle ALL the tasks he had once handled well was in decline and by summer last year he had started to leave some important tasks uncompleted AND made a few mistakes that needed fixing. He really wanted to remain independent but welcomed me taking a more formal role in watching his bank account and ensuring bills got paid. Then in December last year he had a major health event that resulted in him being hospitalized until January and spending many weeks in a post acute care facility before I made the decision to move him perminantly to a very nice assited living place (Where he received far better care than the hospital and post acute care).
We had talked about him moving to an asisted living place at least a year prior and he was receptive and even excited by the idea BUT he dropped the ball. This conversation made it easy for him to accept the move. Based on his condition at the time and the longer term outlook (as I saw it) I did not feel he should return home, so he went from the post acute location directly to the assited living location. It took my wife and I WEEKS to move stuff to his new appartment and empty the house. I can not understate the amount of work and time it took to empty the house. All the while my dad's health improved enough for him to visit his old house and let the reality of the situation wash over him.
After a month or two of feeling better and really starting to settle in, my dad started feeling more pain and loosing wieght. There were a few more hospital visits and telemed vidoe calls but ultimately my dad's condition was terminal and he died on mid-june. I will say that while the quality and availabilty of local health care is/was criminally bad, the care he recieved at the assisted living facilty when he needed it was great. They did a great job of allowing him as much independance and dignity as possible while stepping in wherever and whenever needed.
So big picture, my dad's case required an increasing invovlement from me to ensure health and independence over the last year or so, a need to handle "final arrangements" and to administer his estate. Although my dad's path was unique to him, I have watched as several of my clients walk their own path to the same ultimate end so i expect the information here will be useful to many others.
Lessons learned: (in no particular order)
Again, it comes down to technology. My dad (perhaps as a result of cognitive decline) would randomly change phones, computers, passwords and even create new social media profiles. Through it all the key take away is to set up and maintain the ability for someone else to access your devices because that is increasingly where our lives exist.
Apple lets you set up a legacy contact who is able to gain access to your apple account when you die, there is a process that mus be followed so the access wont be granted quickly. I set my dads account up to have me as a legacy person but have not done anything with it yet. I also set my own and my wife's up to allow each of us to access eachothers. The more dependant we become on these devices the more important this kind of thing is. Facebook also has a similar feature
Speaking of Facebook, with my dad being older I found it easier to announce his passing using HIS facebook account then sharing it and asking others to do the same.
The need for a health care advocate is as certain as death and taxes, you (or your parents etc) will need a second set of eyes and ears as well as someone to speak up when needed. In my dad's case I was able to set up my own My Chart app to include his information (he had to grant access using his own account so do this in advance). The use of MyChart was critical to knowing what was going on since communication with hosptials etc was non-existant until we traveled 100 miles away to get better care. I recommend you get to know this app (or whatever one your providers use) and share with spouses or family where necessary. Even if/when the level of care and attention if superior, your ability to absorbe all the information and make all the arrangements needs may be beyond your abilty when you aren't feeling well. My dad tried but honestly he just didn't have it in him in the end.
With so many bills to pay I found it helpful to set up autopayments using a single credit card which was then paid throughout the month. This credit card idea also saved a ton of hassle when we had to change the bank account information due to fraud. Surprisingly, even when a new credit card was issued the prearranged autopayments were allowed to go through using the old info. My dad did not like the idea of allowing companies to take money from his bank so this was a good place to meet in the middle. Then we set up autopayments or recurring electronic payments FROM the bank to utilites or other places that did not allow credit card billing. This was not only helpful in making it possible to monitor, track or make payments as more help was needed, it made it possible to quickly stop payments when my dad died (and allowed me to challenge potentially fraudulant charges.
Create a will and if/where appropriate a Trust. And if you do have a trust put the appropriate assets in the name of the trust. My parents had created a trust many years ago and that did help with quickly transfering assets without the need for probate. If you don't have or want to use an attorney check out freewills.com you might be able to create what you want/need there.
If you don't have a trust add a Transfer on death (TOD) or Pay on Death (POD) to bank and brokerage accounts, add a TOD to your home title and other similar property (not the same as making someone a current co-owner). List beneficiaries on any retirement accounts you have, inlcude contigent beneficiaries. Setting these features up is usually very easy and really saved a lot of time and effort on my part.
As a finacial advisor I rarely recommend adding someone other than a spouse as an owner or co-owner of your home or bank account but there are times when this makes sense AND can make it easier to do things in the future. In anticipation of his needing me to help with his finances my dad had added my name and my brothers to his bank account BUT as a result of fraud last year the bank issued him a new account number and failed to add our names to it as owners or POD. This error on their part has created some additional difficulty but because we had planned everything else properly I was able to use a "small estate affidavit" to do some things with the bank account. And by having a pourover will I was able to use a small estate affidavit to open an estate account to address other issues.
Regarding the small estate affidavit. It looks like each state has their own version of the document and may have differnt rules so check on how it might work in your state. I can say that the bank allowed me to withdraw all funds and close the account but would NOT allow me access to statements or any other historical documents. I was told repeatedly that I must open formal probate with the court, get a court order or subpena if I want statements. If you are set up to get electronic statements and don't print/save copies this could be a problem. I expressed my concern and desire to review statements for potential theft or fraud and to ensure all recurring payments were stopped but I was shut down repeatedly. Funny enough, the account became overdrawn becasue the bank allowed at least 2 people to electronically withdraw funds (even with the account blocked and $0 in the account) so I get a call from the collections people who were more than willing to give me any documents and statements I might use to attempt to retrieve the funds.
This is a good place to say that debtors (even the bank) can NOT ask you to pay any debts owed by the estate with your own funds.
If you have accounts or assets in mutiple places, make a list of what accounts and policies you have so othes can find or look for them. You can locate old polices using a tool provided by NAIC
https://eapps.naic.org/life-policy-locator/#/welcome . Other easily overlooked assets are treasury bonds, particularly bonds held in electronic form through treasurydirect.gov. there are tools on treasurydirect.gov that can be used to help locate older bonds but it is a complex process that takes a lot of time.
Final arrangements- My mom and dad had discussed with us and written down some of their fianl wishes when my mom was sick. They had even bought a niche at the cemetary and made pre-arrangements/pre-payment for many other things. Unfortunately my mom canceled the policy that was used to prepay the arrangements so when she died 10 years ago we learned nothing was paid for BUT the notes about pre-arrangements still existed. I was able to use these same notes when arranging my dads cremation etc but had to pay today's prices. We had also discussed what was important to him so I was confident I knew what he wanted. I did however fail to ensure my brother was on the same page. A takeway here is to have these kinds of discussions early and in the presence of the entire family so everyone understands what is wanted. Sounds dark but it prevents problems.
If possible make pre-arrangements AND pay for everything in advance. This ensures the costs are locked in at current prices and your family isn't shocked or burdened by those cost. My parents had purchased a niche about 20 years ago (cost about $5000 if I recall but that could have been for 2 of them) so all that was left to pay for was the various mortuary and cemetary costs. I will tell you now, the costs are shocking and rude but they will allways be there and will only go up. They will charge for everything and use emotion to upsell, this is why pre-arrangements are so wonderful. We did not hold services but we DID request to be present when my dads ashes were placed in the niche with my mom, so we were charged accordingly. In total I think I paid about $5000 for everything ($3000 mortuary $2000 cemetary). The reason I bring this up is that they will expect morturary expenses to be paid before they will produce a death certificate (which you also pay for), you will need a death certificate to do just about everything else so having these funds availble is kind of important. If you have a life insurance policy it may be possible to sign a contract with the morturary to accept payment from the insurance company directly. And I did notice the mortuary and cemetary both has fliers for some sort of laon or credit card to help pay for everything.
If you are a veteran who has met certain service requirements you have a reserved spot at a national cemetary (plot or niche as you wish) but your family will need to notify them and the space may not be at the national cemetary nearest your family. I know the VA has resources describing these benefits and how to apply for various honors. I helped a client do this for his father but I don't remember how/where we did it. If you are a veteran I recommend searching for more information and if possible make pre-arrangements or at pre-fill paperwork so it is one less thing the family has to stress over. You will likely need the information on your dd-214 so make sure that is in a safe easy to access place. Because my mom and dad bought a niche we did not opt for a veterans cemetary but we did file the paperwork to get the appropriate honors. In my dads case there were medals for the family but nothing affixed to the marker.
Everything in the house ...and appartment- My parents had a lot of nice, probably expensive, stuff that they had accumualted over time. When my dad moved to the appartment pretty much none of it went with him so I/we had to do something with it. This ended up being a lot of work and resulted in a ton of great stuff being donated, thrown away and even "stolen" by greedy old neighbors. The take way here is to have periodic dicussions about the things you or your parents own and whether they "belong in the family" or are just really nice things to enjoy while alive. Encourage getting rid of things over time rather than collecting more. AND get used to the idea that all your fancy stuff that you have collected over the years is meaningless and worthless to others. When the time comes you may not be able to give your stuff away. If you know you have unique and valuable items (shaving gear) consider leaving a note describing its value and possible way to sell it or who you would give it to.
